In my job as a counsellor I see many clients who are suffering from the symptoms of depression or low mood. Obviously all these clients have had different events happen during their lives and no one has gone through exactly the same experiences that they have. However, I find myself telling the story below again and again. I think this is because, even though all my clients are different, there is often an underlying similarity in the way that they relate to themselves. Let me tell you the story to give you the example…

The story of The Two Darts comes from Buddhist teachings and talks about the first and second darts of suffering. The first dart is the ‘inescapable physical or emotional discomfort’ that come to all of us in life. The second dart is our negative reactions to the initial dart – the one we have the option of throwing at ourselves or not. An example of story in action that I tell my clients to make it a bit clearer is this.

I am cooking dinner one night for my husband and I accidentally burn my hand on the hot stove. This is the first dart. I’ve burnt my hand – this cannot be changed – the pain is inescapable. Now I have two choices… I could say “oops, that was an accident” and go run my hand under cold water. Then, if it still hurts I can possibly put some ointment on it or, if it’s really bad, I can bandage it and go to the hospital. I’m still burnt and in pain but I am being kind to myself and starting the healing process. However, I have another choice and this is where the second (and sometimes third and fourth) dart comes in. So, I’ve burnt my hand, I stand looking at my hand and say this to myself “you stupid idiot, you’re so clumsy, you can’t do anything right, you spoil everything you touch, you can’t even make a meal for your husband, everything is going to be burnt now and he will hate you, why are you such a loser, you might as well just give up…” and so on. Not only is your hand burning, and getting worse as you’re not looking after it, you’re hurting yourself emotionally as well.

Does this sound like you at all? Do you throw second darts at yourself?

Now, think about this… Would you say any of those horrible things to your best friend if it was them who had burnt themselves? If not, why wouldn’t you? Probably, because you know it would be a nasty thing to do and would make them feel worse. So why would you do that to yourself? Why wouldn’t you be kind to yourself? If you can’t answer those questions then it might be a good time to speak to someone about it to try and figure out why your relationship with yourself is not great and how you can try and change it because, if you’re constantly being nasty to yourself, you are going to feel bad!