Comparison – A Learned Behaviour

The other day I was walking behind a family of four and I heard the mother say to the son “Stop that now. Look – your sister’s not being naughty…” I didn’t catch what happened after that but it got me thinking about where our seemingly ingrained tendency to compare ourselves to others might start. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying this person was a bad parent. I’m sure when I become a mother I will probably say something very similar it just got me thinking that adults often use comparison to try to model behaviour. So we grow up looking at our behaviours, achievements, abilities etc in the light of other people’s and this seems to carry on into adulthood.

I can honestly say that EVERY client I have ever sat with has showed that they compare themselves to others at some point in their lives. Even the clients that tell me that they are happy with who they are and are comfortable being different and unique will often come out with ‘I should have a house by now’ or ‘I should have started a family by now’ or the ever-present ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this’. All these point to comparison.

Now I’m not saying that comparison is wrong or negative. Comparison can sometimes be motivating or encouraging but if you find that you often compare yourself to others and doing this makes you feel worse about yourself then it’s not helpful! However, if comparison is a learned behaviour that we start doing from a very young age then it will probably be very difficult to just stop doing it. Whenever I’m talking about learned behaviour with my clients I always advise that it can be hard work to change them but it is possible. It’s like anything that is a habit – it takes time and effort to change. I usually use myself as an example. I have a learned behaviour that is often quite unhelpful for me and I’ve been working on for the last 7 years. I have never given myself the goal to ‘get rid of’ this behaviour because I’m not sure it’s possible. My goal has always been to notice it happening each time I’m doing it and work with it when it happens. Over time it’s got a lot easier to work with it and it happens a lot less.

I’ve also noticed that when people compare themselves to others they are usually assuming a lot. They are assuming that what they see on the outside of the person is exactly what’s going on in the inside. That’s not often the case. People don’t tend to walk around in public showing their every emotion to everyone else or voice all their thoughts. Also, because we are all different and have had different upbringings then different things affect us in different ways. Therefore, comparing how you feel about an event to how your best friend might feel about the same event is extremely unfair.

The reason I’m writing about comparison right now is because I’ve noticed myself doing it a lot lately and it hasn’t been helpful. Therefore I’m going to try and work on it. For me I think I’ll try and use a mantra that my husband says when he notices me doing it. If I notice that I’m comparing myself to something and it’s not helpful I’m going to say this to myself:-

“My path is my path. It’s not wrong or worse than their path – it’s just different. I have different ups and downs to them and that’s ok.”

I think this will help me but you’ll have to find you’re own way to work with unhelpful comparisons if it’s something you feel you need to work on.

Good Luck! 🙂